Dagens vits og annen humor

[Telehiv]

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Haha, den der er ikke lett å oversette uten å miste opp til flere poeng 

Fikk meg til å minnes alle japanske tolkers største mareritt, som skjedde under en norsk delegasjonsreise til Japan en gang på 80-tallet, nemlig den joviale sunnmørske bedriftseieren som hver gang han ble lett påvirket reiste seg opp og dro komplett uoversettelige vitser som fikk alle de norske til å brøle av latter og de japanske tolkene til å se etter harakiri-sverdet sitt...

Et eksempel:

Reisen foregikk rett før jul, så sunnmøringen fant det høvelig å dra en kobling til ei typisk jul på Møre:

"Jo, dåkke skjønna det, folkens, at det var to kara hjemmefra som på ei ølskoke rett før jul hadde drukke seg så totalt ut på Eggakanten at når dei skulle hjem igjen, så tok dei jo det eine hallingkastet etter det andre på hålka. Akkurat da en av dei lå som ei brosme der på veien med det hysetrynet kommer det en trailer og kjøre rett over han.
- Steike, sa han først, då framhjula kjørte over han.
Men da bakhjula kjørte over han, då sa han:
- Tjohei, så va' det hjul igjen!"

Den japanske tolken begynte å grine....       

 

[seoto]

POLITIMANN STOPPER KVINNE SOM KJØRER I 80 KM/T I 50 SONE

Følgende samtale finner sted:

P: - "Kan jeg få se sertifikatet ditt?"

K: - "Jeg har ikke noe sertifikat lenger. Det ble jeg fratatt for noen uker siden i forbindelse med promillekjøring."

P: - "Jaså, kan jeg da få se vognkortet?"

K: - "Dette er ikke min bil, jeg har stjålet den."

P: - "Hva, er bilen stjålet??"

K: - "Ja - men la meg tenke etter. Jeg tror jeg så vognkortet i hanskerommet da jeg la inn pistolen min."

P: _ "Har du en pistol i hanskerommet?"

K: - "Det stemmer. Jeg la den inn der etter at jeg hadde skutt eieren av bilen. Deretter la jeg henne forresten i bagasjerommet."

P: - "Har du ett lik i bagasjerommet??"

K: - "Javisst!"

Etter disse opplysningene tilkaller politimannen forsterkninger og sin sjef. Bilen omringes og når sjefen ankommer, nærmer han seg langsomt kvinnen og spør igjen:

P: - "Kan jeg få se sertifikatet ditt?"

K: - "Klart det! Her er det." (Hun viser frem sitt gyldige førerkort)

P: - "Hvem tilhører denne bilen?"

K: - "Men den er da min! Her er vognkortet."

P: - "Kan du være så snill og åpne hanskerommet, jeg vil gjerne se etter om det finnes en pistol der."

K: - "Selvsagt, men jeg har ingen pistol." (Og det var naturligvis heller ikke noen pistol i hanskerommet!)

P: - "Kan jeg få kaste ett blikk i bagasjerommet. Min kollega sier at det ligger et lik der." (Bagasjerommet er tomt)

P: - "Nå forstår jeg ingenting lengre. Politimannen som stoppet deg sa at du ikke hadde sertifikat, at du hadde stjålet bilen, at det fantes en pistol i hanskerommet og et lik i bagasjerommet."

K: - "Utrolig!!! Det forundrer meg ikke om han påstår at jeg har kjørt for fort også !!??"

[Jostemikk]

Haha! Ei perle!

[Jostemikk]

Mr. and Mrs. Whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. Mr. Whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to his wife, "Let's swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

Mr. Whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told his wife, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized that she was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

[seoto]

[Amatør1]

Hva du graver fram, seoto! Den der var jo virkelig en klassiker, og med brodd. "Al Gebra", du.....

Sjeldent dyp filosofi med "There are 3 sides to every triangle"    A truism!

[Spiren]

[seoto]

Ha-ha! Den var fin, Spiren  Det er nok noen som er skikkelig lei av debattroll.

[stjakobs]

Det er helg snart - så jeg tar ei virkelig dum:


The Blond's Last Ride

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day!
Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly.
Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is ATC. I have received
your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind
of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "OK," says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

[seoto]

       Det er viktig å oppfatte situasjonen raskt 

[Gloføken]

 

[Ewer Gladblakk.]

Takk for flere gode gliser folkens!

[stjakobs]

Jeg er i tvil om jeg skulle legge ut denne, men likevel:

Golf

My wife said to me, "Walter, it is about time you learned to play golf,
you know." Golf - that's the game where you chase a ball all over the
country when you are too old to chase women.
So I went to see Jones and ask him if he would teach me how to play. He
said, "Sure - you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but
sometimes on cold mornings they are kinda hard to find." "Bring them to
the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we will tee off." "What's tee
off?" I asked. "It's a golf term, we have to tee off in front of the
club house." he explained. "Not for me," I said, "you can tee off there
if you want to, but I'll tee off behind a barn somewhere." "No, no, a
tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." he said.
"Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "you stick it in the
ground." "What!" I exclaimed. "Yes," he said, "you stick it in the
ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked "Do you play golf
sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You
do," he said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far and I
said so.
He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?" "Sure." I said. He said "Your
balls are in the bag, aren't they?" - "Of course." I told him. "Well,
can't you open the bag and take one of your balls out?" he said. I said
"I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't
have a zipper on my bag, but I told him "No, I'm the old fashioned type."
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after twentyeight
years I should have some sort of idea, and I told him so. He said "You
take your club in both hands," - folks, I knew then he didn't know what
he was talking about - "and swing it over your shoulder." "No, no,
that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me,
"How do you hold your club?" and - before I thought I said in two
fingers and none of your damned business. He said "That isn't right" and
got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and
he'd show me how. He couldn't catch me that though - I didn't put four
years in the Navy for nothing.
He said "You hit your ball and it will soar and soar." I said "I could
well imagine." Then he said "And you are on the green." "What's the
green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is." he said. "Sure you are hot
color blind?" I asked. "No! Then you take your putter." "What's a
putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I've
got, it's a putter." "And with it" he said "you put your ball in the
hole." I corrected "You mean the putter?" "No" he said, "the ball, the
hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter both." Well, I've seen
holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said "After you made the
first hole, you go to the next 17."
He wasn't talking to me! After two holes, I'm about shot to hell. "You
mean, you can't make 18 holes in one day? Hell no, it takes me 18 days
to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will be up" he said. JUST MY LUCK.

[Ewer Gladblakk.]

He-he, Stjakobs!
Må tilstå at jeg for det meste (nå om dagene), med unntak av når jeg dursjer) har ballene og peggen trygt forvart i billig-bom-ull-golf-spideobaggen fra Cubus o/l!

[Brattbakkallen]

Stjakobs:

Jeg er i tvil om jeg skulle legge ut denne, men likevel:

Golf

Det var da enda bra at du overvant den tvilen.



BBK